pLaY WiTh YoUr DiViNiTy โจ
I've spent years diligently seeking the divine; long nights with sacred plant medicines, intense periods of isolation and meditation, endless hours reading and learning from experts and gurus..
The divine is, by definition, incomprehensible. It's that which is beyond form, beyond what the mind can hold.
Even knowing this, I thought if I just did enough of this or enough of that, I would find a way to create a deeper connection with this unseen force, the force that I would glimpse from time to time, but like trying to hold water in my hands, it would never stay with me for long.
I spent my spare time pulling oracle cards, smudging myself, working with crystals, and practicing mindfulness techniques. But something was always missing..
I craved a deeper connection with the divine. I longed for it. I found myself again and again wanting to run away from my life to find that deep connection with Spirit that felt so elusive.
Underneath my exuberant belief that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, I doubted whether what I sought was attainable at all. I had moments where I wondered if I was doing something wrong.. I felt like perhaps I had not been deemed worthy of the eternal embrace.
I felt I had to do more to prove myself.
And every time I would do more-- pray more, meditate more, learn more, serve more, where I may or may not catch a momentary glimpse of the Beloved-- but then I'd feel even further from my divinity than I had before.
So I stopped.
I stopped searching. I stopped meditating. I stopped journaling. I stopped doing my dream work. I stopped reading. I stopped listening to spiritual teachers.
Sure, I would drop in from time to time because some part of me felt I "should" or the craving would become so strong that I would dip my toe back in for a moment only to be left unsatiated yet again.
It was about a year and a half ago that I stopped walking my talk. I stopped doing everything that I'd been preaching to my clients, my social media tribe, and the world.
Behind closed doors, I turned by back on everything I stood for, everything I had built my life to be about.
I felt like a fraud. I struggled to determine whether I even believed in a "universe" or if I'd somehow been duped into drinking the koolaid. I spent hours upon hours trying to understand, trying to make sense of what happened and how to share what I was going through.
Then, about 6 weeks ago, something shifted. After spending the better part of the prior 3 months in front of a computer building online courses, I broke.
I said "Fuck this. If this is my existence, I want out. If my life is to be spent behind a computer screen completely disconnected from any higher power or the outside world, I'm done."
But some little spark deep inside of me knew that this was just another road bump propelling me forward, deeper on the path to my highest destiny.
So I stepped back, looked around my life, and decided I was ready for change.
I prayed for guidance, really prayed for the first time in a long while. I went to Peru last month with zero plans for when I returned, leaning into the part of me that trusted life would guide me.
During the women's retreat, I had a download one night in ceremony, something I had read months before:
"Play is your pathway to joy."
BAM.
Right in that moment, I understood.
I realized that I had been trying so hard to create a connection with God that I had completely forgotten that when I engage with life in a playful way, I don't just connect with my divinity..
I embody it. ๐
We are here to embody our divinity, and while meditation, plant medicines, oracle cards, etc are powerful tools, if we lean too much inwards, we can create more of a disconnect and imbalance in our outer world.
The key is to go deeper into ALL areas of life, both the inner self and the outer world.
One of my early spiritual mentors told me, "Always keep one foot well grounded in each world." When we make one part of life more important than another, we throw ourselves off track, creating more of the fracturing we seek to heal.
The unity we seek comes from embracing our humanness in a light and playful way ๐
We are here to play, to experience joy, to laugh. We are here to dance, to sing, to make love, to create art.
We are here to feel the sun and the rain drops play their way across our skin, to taste the essence of food playing on our tastebuds, to witness the beauty of life playing itself out before our own eyes.
The way to God(dess) is through life itself.
The divinity we seek is right within our reach, should we choose to loosen our grip and play our way to be filled with the light of our being โจ
