Thank you to everyone who sent me some love yesterday! I could feel it through the comments, messages, emails, texts, and phone calls that you all used to bring me some light.
A funny thing happened yesterday when I was receiving all this love-- I had a very hard time letting myself allow it in. I had initially resisted writing the post to ask for support, and then when I did I resisted the support that was being brought to me. I found myself wanting to push away every bit of love that was being sent my way and rationalizing with myself why I didn't need it.
I knew something was coming up that was ready to be looked at, so I spent a good hour and a half last night in reflective meditation, seeking understanding as to **why** exactly I was so strongly resisting support and this insight came to me:
On some level, I don't feel that I am worthy of having other people support me because in the past (especially in my teenage years) I was a master manipulator.
I did whatever I needed to do to get whatever I wanted, taking huge advantage of people and situations along the way. On some level I haven't forgiven myself for this shadow aspect of my being and since it hasn't been integrated it is still showing up in different ways in my life today.
I obviously don't consciously want to manipulate or take advantage of others, so I've created a sort of wall around myself that doesn't allow me to ask for support out of a deep rooted fear that this particular part of my shadow will be expressed and I will be judged for it.
The first thing I did last night when this insight came to me was resisted it-- How could **I**, this person who has done so much personal and spiritual development have this huge darkness as part of my being? I know better than to take advantage of others, so this must mean it's not true for me. Maybe for other people, but not **possibly** for me.
Then I sat with it some more, and let the truth of it wash over me.
Yes, I do have an agenda for my life and for what I'd like to see change in our world, and although I believe most of my actions to be Spirit driven, there have been a number of times recently where my ego has taken over and I have not been as tactful or graceful as I could have been in handling certain situations. As a result I've done what I thought I needed to do to get done what I felt needed to be done without fully considering the impact of my actions on the people around me.
Upon my acceptance of this truth, I began to feel like my heart was breaking open. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I felt like I had been lying to the world, spreading messages of love and peace while bringing this shadow of manipulation and deceit to it at the same time.
After I shed some tears and pulled myself out of the downward spiral of self-judgement, I asked my higher self where this habit was coming from, and I realized it is a deep rooted protection mechanism from my childhood that has been replaying itself over and over again throughout my entire life. As a child I did not receive the love and attention I needed, so I learned to manipulate others as a means of gaining energy from them and I learned that in doing so I could basically have whatever I wanted.
When I had this insight, I laid myself down on my floor in front of my alter and in my mind began to give love to the little Casie version of myself who never felt fully heard or seen, and told her that it was all going to be ok, that she didn't need to use this tactic anymore to receive love. I told myself that I can allow love in without fear of using it to take advantage of others.
As a result of this experience last night, my new mantra is "I am a loving being who graciously accepts all forms of love and light in abundance as they come to me, knowing that I always have what I need."
To anyone who is reading this that I have ever manipulated or taken advantage of in the past, from the depths of my soul: