Transitions. Changes. Evolution.
Expansion comes with its own unique set of growing pains. It gets uncomfortable, even downright painful at times.
The uncertainty of what lies ahead, of what to expect on the other side of the shift, can make the transformation process feel like we're aimlessly wandering through the multidimensional layers of reality on the pathway to knowing the Self, with no real destination in sight. Sometimes we wonder.. Is there actually a light at the end of this tunnel? Is there really a door down there that marks the growth from one phase to the next or does this space simply continue on into infinity?
I've been home from the jungle for less than a week. After four months of deeply intense shamanic initiation, I knew I was entering into yet another transitional period and I expected the growing pains to find their way to me at some point. And after all I've just been through, I was ready to meet them head on.
The first few days back were great. Being at my mom's house, letting her take care of me for a bit, made me feel safe, secure, grounded. Then, 5 days in, the unsettledness began to rumble from deep within. I could feel the unintegrated parts of my being beginning their shifting as they began to answer the call of the inevitable pull towards wholeness.
It started as a whisper in my solar plexus, a slight tickling feather sensation that I probably wouldn't have even noticed if I wasn't so sensitive to my own beingness. It became stronger over the period of a couple hours, the familiar feelings of anxiety and overwhelming depression began to sink in.
I asked it what it needed from me.
What it needed was to be felt, to be seen, to be expressed. Instead of distracting myself by trying to "fix" or "bandaid" the discomfort, I allowed myself to feel, fully and completely, the confusion, the sense of loss, and the feelings of not belonging completely to this world in order to allow it to move through.
I gave myself one day. I said to myself, "Aurianna, take this as a lesson. Use this as an opportunity to put into action what you just learned. Don't wallow. Don't get suck. Don't let it consume you. Just feel, learn, and let it move through." I proceeded to lay in bed and cry my eyes out for an hour. I spent the afternoon wandering around the house like a lost puppy dog, unsure of what to do with myself. I ignored the phone calls of my friends because I didn't know how to put into words what I was experiencing..
All the while, I remembered what I learned during my initiation-- that I am an alchemist. In fact, we all are. We are spiritual and energetic beings capable of transmuting lower vibrational frequencies such as doubt and fear into higher vibrational frequencies like faith and love.
The way we alchemize is to feel the rhythm of the moment through staying in the flow. To move the stagnant energies through and out by allowing ourselves to dance in the darkness.
The discomfort from spiritual growing pains is a sign of progress-- it means we're moving from one space to the next. There are many ways to get from point A to point B, but I've found the most valuable way to experience movement when we're beginning from the place of darkness is to metaphorically (and literally!) dance our way through.
If we keep moving in the dark the way we do when we're in the light of knowing, of information, and of certainty, we're bound to stub our toe, hit our knee, or bump our head AT SOME POINT.
We need to move more slowly in the darkness, more conscientiously, with gentleness and compassion. We must become more open, breathe deeper, and use our whole range of physical and spiritual senses to find our way through. We have to close our eyes and feel what's around us so that we know where to place our next step.
And in the face of unknowing, that's our only job: to find the next right step. To trust in the path so implicitly that despite our momentary feelings of skepticism for the process, we faithfully, willing, put our foot down in the intuitive knowing that all we need to know will be revealed to us in Divine timing.
The next time you're feeling the uneasiness of the transition, remember, you are an alchemist. Use your innate and god(dess) given power to transmute, to transform your inner experience from the darkness of unknowing into the light of knowing.